2015: Leave Me Not (for prompt 111)

[onemorechansoo]

Author: ANONYMOUS until July 15, 2015

Title: Leave Me Not
Rating: PG-13
Other pairings involved: Chen/Sehun
Length: 19,904
Summary: Kyungsoo likes Jongdae, Jongdae likes Sehun, Sehun likes Jongdae. Chanyeol is around too. College!AU
Warnings: Some swearing, excessive UST
Notes: This may have turned out a lot angstier than the prompt’s tone suggested… I feel like this is the space where I apologize to the prompter for most likely not writing anything they wanted... I'm sorry, but I had fun butchering the prompt anyway. I hope dear prompter and readers can at least also have some fun reading this.

In a fit of extreme boredom last night, Kyungsoo actually did the impossible and finished his recommended reading on Analysis of Tonal Music, so when the lecturer flips onto the next powerpoint slide about Schenkerian Approach in Analysis, he lets his mind wander. Kyungsoo would bemoan his lack of a social life that led to his unintended good-student lifestyle, but he’s long accepted that people like him just aren’t cut out for close knit friend groups. He has friends, on his course as well as within his dorm. He knows people who would happily let him join their group for coursework, who would engage in small talk with him before and after lectures or seminars, who would sit with him during lunch on campus, or dinner at the dorm’s canteen. Kyungsoo knows a lot of people like this, people who he enjoys the company of, but would never join in their group hangouts during weekends, or go to their house parties, or ‘hit the clubs’ with. Kyungsoo tells himself that he’s just not that type of person. But that isn’t to say he has never dabbled in such activities. He has been invited to group hangouts before and have accepted them, but he can never quite shake off the feeling of being an outsider during those moments. The feeling of inclusion is never quite the same as that of connection. What this all comes down to really, is that Kyungsoo is a bit of a loner. Despite this, there is one person on his course that he would honest to god do anything within reason to get closer to. Kim Jongdae was in his Harmony and Counterpoint tutorial last year, and he couldn’t help but be drawn to his charming yet gentle personality. Jongdae speaks with an understated confidence and has a knack in drawing laughter out of people around him. He is observant, caring and even encouraged Kyungsoo to give his opinion during tutorials and listened with genuine interest when Kyungsoo spoke. After that first tutorial, Kyungsoo started paying a lot more attention to Jongdae, and his crush slowly took root and grew over the past year. Jongdae is fairly popular in their course. He is always sitting in the middle of a cluster of their coursemates during lectures, and never has to worry about being assigned to a coursework group without any friends. However, his closest friends seem to be two tall giants from outside their course. One of them has his hair dyed platinum blonde, a very unconventional colour for a student at their college, and half of the time, has the most expressionless face Kyungsoo has ever seen. This is in huge contrast to Jongdae’s other friend, who’s permanently smiling or laughing, and who’s hair is dyed with a much more conventional shade of chestnut brown. The blonde one actually lives in the same dorm as Kyungsoo, which he found out last year when those two waited outside the music building for Jongdae after class, and Kyungsoo found himself trailing after them all of the way back to his dorm. This coincidence in accommodation provides Kyungsoo with a huge advantage in his ability to stalk Jongdae outside of class, as Jongdae and Smiley come to his dorm to hang out with Blondie all the time, in the canteen and in the common room. Kyungsoo sometimes sees them in the music building’s third floor café during breaks as well. Just yesterday, Kyungsoo had grabbed a table for himself to kill time before his next lecture, and was about to get started on his Music and its Context essay when Jongdae & Co. came in and sat down two tables away from Kyungsoo. No serious work was going to be done as long as Jongdae was in the same room with him, but Kyungsoo wasn’t about to give up a chance to casually admire Jongdae from afar for an essay that isn’t even due in this week. Blondie said something and Jongdae burst out laughing, while Smiley choked on his coke and proceeded to suffer from an amalgamation of laughter and coughing that had looked rather painful. Jongdae disappeared from Kyungsoo’s line of sight for a long time as he hit Smiley repeatedly on the back to sooth his coughing fit. Kyungsoo’s lips pursed. Once Smiley’s breathing had returned to a more normal rhythm, he scrunched his face up in embarrassment and leaned into Jongdae, who wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled his back against his chest in sympathy. Kyungsoo is very jealous of the casual touches that they share with Jongdae. Kyungsoo does not subscribe to the idea of touching people unless it serves a direct purpose, and prefers others to do the same. He’s never had friends he felt close enough to express his affections on such a physical level, unlike those three. Kyungsoo can see that they are clearly very close to each other. He has never missed any of Jongdae’s performances at lunchtime concerts, but neither have those two. Blondie and Smiley would always cheer the loudest and shout out the most cringe worthy praise before and after Jongdae’s performances to embarrass him. Sometimes they would even pick flowers from around campus to give to Jongdae when he comes off stage, which Kyungsoo has to admit is very funny but also sort of sweet. Kyungsoo envies their friendship. Not just because they’re close to Jongdae, but also because they always seem so at ease with each other, their affection so casual yet genuine, intimate yet relaxed. -   One Friday night, as Kyungsoo settles into bed to watch a movie he’s been looking forward to all week, but then finds that his room’s wifi signal is too weak to watch it without seeing the buffer wheel every two minutes. He thumps his head against the wall repeatedly and curses his room’s unfortunate location. Kyungsoo considers moving to the common room, as many students have either gone back to their parents’ house for the weekend; or at this time of the night, have likely finished pre-drinking, and are currently standing outside in the miserable cold queuing to get into the club of their choice. And he is right, Kyungsoo thinks as he drops himself onto one of the couchs lining the common room’s walls. Three people are playing billiards to the left of the room, and two people are curled up on a couch on the further side, watching something on their phone. Kyungsoo opens his laptop and the video loads like a dream. Thirty minutes into the movie, Kyungsoo glances up when three people file into the room and occupy the couch next to his. His heart stops when he spots Jongdae and recognizes his two friends. He stares hard into his screen and fervently hopes that Jongdae hasn’t noticed him looking, because he is not even sure if Jongdae still remembers him from last year’s tutorial, or if just saying hi and then returning to his movie would be considered rude if he did recognize him. Kyungsoo wills himself to calm down and decided to just focus on the movie instead. Fifteen minutes later however, he can see from his peripheral vision that someone is leaning towards him and looking in his general direction. It’s making him extremely self-aware and he stops processing what’s happening on the screen as the minutes drag on. When he finally gives in and looks to his right, he finds Smiley staring intently at his screen and Jongdae and Blondie deep in conversation beside him. Smiley notices Kyungsoo noticing him and smiles sheepishly but doesn’t move away. The eye contact makes Kyungsoo instinctively adverts his eyes back onto his screen, but he can’t help but feel awkward as he debates whether to just angle his screen towards Smiley. Moving to another spot in the common room would be ideal but that’s too rude for Kyungsoo to really entertain it as a possibility. After a couple more minutes of silence, Kyungsoo sighs and hands one of his earbuds to Smiley. Smiley’s face lights up and shuffles onto Kyungsoo’s couch before taking it with a low ‘thanks’. When the credits start rolling, Smiley leans back against the couch and says “I can’t believe they killed her off. So that guy’s going to be her replacement from now on?” Kyungsoo hums in acknowledge, quite stunned about the turn of events in the film himself. Smiley turns out to be the type that feels the need to discuss a film at length after watching it. As he animatedly reenacts some of his favourite scenes, and launches into a mostly one-sided conversation about what one can do when you own an abandoned island, as the film’s antagonist did. Smiley seem to share many of the same opinions he has about the film, hitting his arm lightly when he makes a snarky remark about the techy nerd's obvious security faux pas that led to the antagonist being able to infiltrate the government's systems. When the conversation draws into a lull, Smiley asks "You know the sequel to this is currently showing in cinemas, right? Are you planning on watching it?" Kyungsoo does and he is. He likes going to the cinema by himself at night when the shopping malls are deserted. Getting an empty room all to yourself without having to suffer the cost of renting it out is a piece of heaven in and of itself. But at that moment, faced with one of Jongdae's best friend, he's suddenly highly aware how much of a loner that would make him sound like. "No, I was thinking of waiting for it to come out on DVD." "Why don't you come with us? We're going this Sunday," Smiley flashes him an excited grin. Kyungsoo doesn't know what to say. Did he just get invited to hang out with Jongdae's group of friends? His heart starts beating fast and he bites his lip. God, he's pathetic. He's getting like this just at the thought of hanging out with Jongdae, actually hanging out with him would be a complete disaster. He really wants to go. Confronted with Kyungsoo’s silence, Smiley quickly adds "There's just three of us,” he points towards where Sehun and Jongdae were sitting and seems to just now notice that they’ve left the common room a long time ago. “They were sitting there before, did you see them? Anyway, they're both very nice. You'll like them!" Kyungsoo knows perfectly well how much he'll like one of them. "Yeah, sure. I haven't been to the cinema in quite a while. That’d be nice," Kyungsoo‘s flailing internally. Sunday is just two days away. Smiley's smile is on full bloom as he claps Kyungsoo on the shoulder. Kyungsoo finds that his smile much more infectious when it's directed at you rather than observed from afar. It makes his heart beat slightly slower and his shoulders relax. "Brilliant! I’m Chanyeol, by the way. Give me your number so I can text you where and when we're meeting.” Once he takes his phone back from Kyungsoo, he gets up to leave. “See you on Sunday. It's a double date!” Kyungsoo’s heart leaps again at Chanyeol’s words as he disappears out of sight, most likely heading towards Sehun’s room. He can't think straight after a sentence that includes the word date and involves Jongdae. Who’s double dating who doesn’t really matter as long as Jongdae is going to be there. -   Jongdae and Chanyeol are already waiting outside the cinema when Kyungsoo arrives. Jongdae notices him first and steps forward to give him a brief hug. Kyungsoo really hopes the pounding in his ears doesn't mean his face is red, or if it is, it looks like he’s flushed from a hurried jog. "So glad you could make it! Chanyeol completely abandoned us to snuggle up to you on Friday, I think I'm jealous," Jongdae winks and Kyungsoo thinks he might need some blood pressure pills to get through today if Jongdae keeps this up. Chanyeol laughs and hooks an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulders. "Maybe you guys should reflect on your conversational skills if a movie playing in my peripheral vision is enough to distract me from it." Jongdae snorts and goes to ring up Sehun, who's still nowhere to be seen. Chanyeol's arm is a solid weight on his shoulders as Kyungsoo looks at Jongdae laugh into his phone at something Sehun said. It grounds him and makes him feel like maybe those hypothetical blood pressure pills can be reserved for next time. Chanyeol’s warmth against his side guards him from the chilly November wind as Sehun waves at them from a distance. The ‘double date’ goes well. Aside from his initial fluster and occasional tongue-tied delays when Jongdae addresses him directly while touching his arm or shoulder, Kyungsoo thinks he has conducted himself in a fairly respectable manner. Having Chanyeol next to him helps a lot. He’s always ready to interject Kyungsoo’s ill-timed mind-blank with a jibe or two at Jongdae or Sehun. He wraps his arm across Kyungsoo’s back, hand a comforting presence on Kyungsoo’s arm as he asks if he’s doing alright, if he’s enjoying his day. He puts Kyungsoo’s mind at ease whenever he suddenly feels too self-conscious about something he said or did in front of Jongdae, and for that he is grateful. They are a very touchy group of people. Kyungsoo knows this, has observed it from afar many times, but he never knew they’re like this with new people too. Kyungsoo finds that he doesn’t really mind the touches as much as he imagines he would with other people. Maybe because Jongdae is in his vicinity, maybe because the touches actually make him feel more included, maybe because they touch so carelessly that Kyungsoo stops noticing it half way through the day. -   A few days later, Kyungsoo receives a text from Chanyeol inviting him to join their Saturday movie night at Jongdae and Chanyeol’s flat. He had thought last time was a one-off, that it was a coincidence that he happened to have caught Chanyeol’s attention with the prequel to a film they were planning to watch, and was subsequently invited along on a whim. This is entirely unexpected, but Kyungsoo feels a sense of relief nonetheless, as if he’s passed some sort of test. When he arrives at their flat that Saturday, Jongdae informs him that Sehun and Chanyeol have gone off to the river side for an impromptu picnic, so the two of them can just hang out before they come back. Kyungsoo’s heart nearly jumps out of his chest. He was not expecting alone time with Jongdae so soon. Without Chanyeol or even Sehun as a buffer, he might embarrass himself a lot sooner and to a much greater extent than he’s prepared for. But he’s forgotten how naturally gifted Jongdae is at socializing in any given social situation. They fall into an easy conversation about their classes and assignments, and Kyungsoo doesn’t have to wreck his brain for new topics to talk about because Jongdae seem to have an endless list of them, plucked out of the repository of his gregarious brain. By the time Chanyeol and Sehun’s loud laughter echoes from the corridor outside and they tumble into the flat, shoving each other out of the way, Kyungsoo is feeling relatively relaxed in Jongdae’s company and regrets that their time alone was so short lived. Chanyeol notices him and comes over to give him a brief hug from behind the couch with a big smile on his face. “Have you guys been waiting for long?” At both Jongdae and Kyungsoo’s shaking heads, Chanyeol nods and goes to grab Sehun by the arm. “We’ll go get changed. You guys load up the movie, okay?” Not long after Jongdae paused the movie at where it’s just about to start, Chanyeol trudges out of his room with a duvet wrapped around his head and flops onto the floor in front of the couch. When Sehun comes out, he laughs at Chanyeol’s getup and not so much as hugs him but falls on top of him, pushing them both onto the ground and into a giggling mess. As the movie starts, they stay together on the floor, cuddling up to each other inside the blanket. Since there’s only four of them in the living room, with the movie playing over their collective silence, Kyungsoo can’t help but fantasize about doing the same with Jongdae. Half way through the movie, Sehun pesters Chanyeol about getting them snacks and drinks from the kitchen. Chanyeol tells him he’s a lazy brat but relents all the same, taking orders from everyone as he stands. With Chanyeol gone, Sehun moves to sit next to Jongdae on the couch and cuddles with him instead. The flash of jealousy is entirely predictable and Kyungsoo resists the urge to inch closer to Jongdae. When Chanyeol returns, the only space left on the couch was the one next to Kyungsoo. He distributes the snacks and drinks into their waiting hands and gently slides in beside Kyungsoo. Multiple times, Chanyeol tries to lean his head against Kyungsoo’s shoulder but gives up every time because Kyungsoo’s shoulder is too low for that position to be comfortable for him. Eventually, he slumps far enough forward on the couch and manages to settle his head against Kyungsoo without straining his neck too much. Kyungsoo finds this kind of cute, plus Chanyeol’s silent struggle distracts him from Sehun’s best friend privileges with Jongdae. Kyungsoo makes sure that his shoulder stays still for the rest of the movie. -   After that, Kyungsoo seems to have entered into a fantasy land where he is one Jongdae’s closest friends in class. Jongdae seeks him out before lecture starts to sit next to him, walks with him to and from classes, and even eats lunch with him alone when Chanyeol and Sehun are busy with their own schedule. Kyungsoo is no longer an admirer nursing a crush from a distance; he is actively participating in Jongdae’s social life. Just the thought of it makes Kyungsoo feels lightheaded and his heart race. He doesn’t know what he’s done in his past life to deserve something like this, but he’s been thanking the gods since the first time Jongdae slid into the seat next to him and bumps his shoulder with a grin too bright for a Monday morning lecture. On a boring Friday evening, Kyungsoo musters up all the courage he possesses and texts Jongdae to come hang out with him. Jongdae texts back ten terrifying minutes later saying he’s going to have to take a rain check on that offer because he’s already on his way to his parents’ house to spend the weekend. Crestfallen, Kyungsoo tosses his phone on the bed and buries his face in the pillow. An hour of debating whether it’s too forward to send such an invitation at this stage of their friendship and then fifteen minutes psyching himself up to actually send the text, just to find out Jongdae has been planning a weekend away from the city this whole time. Kyungsoo moans into the pillow and slumps face down. An hour later, he’s still lying motionless on his bed listening to mopey songs while contemplating the futility of prolonged internal debates and the benefits of having a fraction of an extrovert’s social instincts, when there’s a knock on his door. Chanyeol is standing in the corridor with a guitar swung over his shoulder and a grin plastered across his face. When Kyungsoo doesn’t invite him in, or say anything at all for that matter, Chanyeol lifts up the phone in his hand and says “Jongdae texted me saying you wanted to hang out, but since he’s out of town and Sehun’s with his coursemates tonight, here I am instead.” Relief and warmth spreads in his chest so fast that Kyungsoo forgets all about the mental agony he’s been under for the past two hours. He can’t help the smile on his face as Chanyeol brushes past him and sits down on his chair. Jongdae was worried that Kyungsoo would be bored by himself this evening and had asked Chanyeol to come hang out with him in his stead. Jongdae was thinking about him. Kyungsoo shakes himself out of his reverie; he has a guest in his room. Settling his guitar across his folded legs, Chanyeol tells Kyungsoo that Jongdae sings to his guitar all the time, and since Kyungsoo sings too, he thought they can try a duet. Kyungsoo nods and realizes that that’s true, he’s seen Chanyeol play the guitar for Jongdae's lunch time concert performances before. He’s always wanted to try that out himself, but most of his instrument-playing friends specialize in either piano or violin, so he never thought he’d get a chance. Kyungsoo sings song after song until he doesn’t think he can sing anymore. He’s a little mesmerized by how well Chanyeol is able to keep up with his pace and harmonize when appropriate. It feels like he’s ten again, listening to his father play the piano and his mother sing Close to You and Yesterday Once More next to him. He remembers the feeling of being giddy with joy, watching two people creating music out of thin air, instead of singing to a recorded track. He’s also surprised that Chanyeol seems to know every song that Kyungsoo requests. When he asks Chanyeol about it, he’s even more surprised to find that his music taste hugely overlaps with Chanyeol’s. Abandoning his guitar, Chanyeol moves to sit next to Kyungsoo on his bed and starts a discussion about their top three favourite music genres. They end up talking well into the night, lying next to each other on the bed and Kyungsoo is struggling to keep his eyes open when the clock hits 2 past midnight. Kyungsoo actually falls asleep for half a second before being startled awake by Chanyeol’s laughter ringing close to his ears. As Chanyeol starts packing up to leave, Kyungsoo has half a mind to offer him to stay the night, but he only has a single bed and he doesn’t think they’re nearly friendly enough for a night spent in a single bed to not be awkward. So instead, he thanks Chanyeol for coming over and walks him out of the dorm. The next Monday, after Kyungsoo’s performance at the lunch time concert, Jongdae, Sehun and Chanyeol all cheer very loudly as he walks off the stage. Slightly embarrassed but grateful for their eager support, Kyungsoo sits down at their table as the hall quiets down again for the next performance. Next to him, Chanyeol hands him a small and tattered makeshift bouquet of daisies that Kyungsoo is fairly sure is picked out from the park near the music building, and tells him in a hushed voice that he’s always liked his performances. Kyungsoo laughs and thanks him. He was right, getting random wild flowers after a performance is very funny, but it is also very sweet. -   When Valentine’s Day rolls around, Kyungsoo nearly has a heart attack when Jongdae puts a bar of chocolate down on the desk in front of him, and says “For you,” with a gentle smile before bouncing away. Staring at the chocolate, Kyungsoo’s mind races a mile a second. Is his feelings returned? Does Jongdae like him all along? How could he have been so blind to not see it all this time? Kyungsoo’s heart is hammering in his chest as he thinks about how he’s going to confess his feeling after class. Why wait though? He should do it right now. Kyungsoo looks up and finds Jongdae making his round in the small lecture hall, stopping by every small cluster of his friends and handing out chocolate to everyone. Some laugh and tease him for being a player, others make grabby hands at Jongdae’s plastic bag in a halfhearted attempt to steal more chocolate. Jongdae bats their hands away and laughs right back. Kyungsoo releases the breath he didn’t realize he’s been holding and leans down to take his laptop out from his backpack. Of course those chocolate is for everyone, that’s such a Jongdae thing to do. He wants hide under his chair in embarrassment for thinking it had meant something more. And he had been so ready to confess. But at least he hadn’t actually done it, because that would have been soul-crushingly embarrassing. He probably won’t even be able to continue hanging out with Jongdae anymore if he had gone through with it. After class, Kyungsoo wants to run away as quickly as possible. The emotional rollercoaster he’s been through earlier means that he doesn’t really trust himself to deal with Jongdae today. As he exits the lecture hall, he spies Chanyeol and Sehun leaning against the wall waiting for Jongdae to come out. Kyungsoo gives them a brief nod before hurrying himself towards the stairs. Before he’s even half way there, Chanyeol catches him by the crook of his arm. Shit. If he stays here any longer, Jongdae might come out, see them and ask Kyungsoo to join them for lunch. He hasn’t come up with a solid excuse to decline yet, he doesn’t want to be awkward. “What?” Kyungsoo regrets his tone immediately. Chanyeol seems taken aback by Kyungsoo’s impatience and starts to fidget. Kyungsoo feels bad, but he feels even worse when he catches Jongdae coming out of the lecture hall out of the corner of his eye. It’s too late now anyway, so he asks again, gentler this time. “What is it, Chanyeol?” That seems to have snapped Chanyeol out of his hesitation and he hands something over to Kyungsoo. He looks down and it’s another bar of chocolate. Kyungsoo guesses that Jongdae’s generous personality is infectious. He smiles and takes it from Chanyeol. “Thanks, you didn’t have to.” Chanyeol frowns and was about to say something when Jongdae accosts him from the side with Sehun in tow. He jumps onto Chanyeol for a crushing hug and laughs when he sees the chocolate in Kyungsoo’s hand. “Finally joined the bandwagon, haven’t you?” Jongdae says as he hands Chanyeol a bar of chocolate that looks exactly the same as the one he gave Kyungsoo. Chanyeol slowly takes the bar, looks at the one he gave to Kyungsoo and looks back at Jongdae. Eventually, he chuckles and wraps his arm around Jongdae to return his hug. “Yeah, it seems like a nice thing to do. Tough luck though, that was the last of it.” Jongdae gasps in mock hurt and shoves him away. “How could you, Chanyeol? And to think I reserved that bar specifically for you!” “Don’t take out your bitterness on me just because no one wants to give you chocolate!” Kyungsoo looks at them with an amused smile playing at the corner of his lips as the two starts laughing and shoving each other hard on the chest. When Sehun gets unwittingly caught in the middle of it while trying to slide towards Kyungsoo to escape the kerfuffle, Kyungsoo laughs out loud and realizes that the heaviness in his heart and his early eagerness to escape have dissipated. Jongdae’s chocolate bar still feels heavy in his jacket pocket, but looking down in his hand at the one Chanyeol gave him, Kyungsoo thinks this isn’t so bad. He shouldn’t feel sad over some free chocolate. -   A week later, Chanyeol shows up at Kyungsoo’s door again with his guitar. They start off singing some of the newer songs they’ve talked about learning over the week, but slowly over the course of the evening, they transition into making original compositions just for laughs. Sonic Invention was a compulsory module in their first year, and Kyungsoo is also taking Electroacoustic Composition this year, so he is not clueless when it comes to writing music. But strangely, Chanyeol seems to know what he’s doing as well, despite the fact that he studies god damn Aeronautical Engineering at their college. When Kyungsoo asks him about it, Chanyeol shyly admits that he likes composing in his own time. He pulls out his laptop full of remixes and originals and asks if Kyungsoo would like to give his opinion on them. Going through Chanyeol’s files while listening to his newest creation, Kyungsoo points at an oddly named folder, Vocaloid, and asks, “How about this?” “That’s just songs I make with that programme. It lets you put lyrics in and it sings it out for you, so I use it whenever I’m feeling particularly poetic,” Chanyeol laughs at himself and shrugs. “Can I listen to it?” Chanyeol hesitantly pulls the laptop closer to himself, screen facing away from Kyungsoo. “Yeah…sure.” They both fall silent as the song begins to play. The computerized pronunciation of the words is weird, but not negatively so. It’s actually curiously soothing, listening to a purely computer generated piece. When the song finishes, Kyungsoo tugs the laptop towards himself. “That was really good! Are there any others?” He looks at the screen and realizes he's staring at a YouTube video in full screen mode. “You upload them onto YouTube?” Kyungsoo cannot help the wonder in his voice. He would never be brave enough to do such a thing. “Yeah,” Chanyeol stammers. When Kyungsoo exits full screen mode, he sees the view count and balks. “One million views?” Kyungsoo exclaims. Chanyeol seems to be in the process of slowly trying to become one with the duvet. Kyungsoo grabs the duvet and yanks it away from him. “Why are you embarrassed? This is amazing!” Chanyeol looks down and pouts. “That’s my most popular one, a lot of the others only have less than half as much views…” “That's still a lot!” Chanyeol smiles shyly but proudly. “Thanks.” With Chanyeol’s permission, Kyungsoo goes through his video log and feels a little starstruck. He clicks on the second most viewed video and the song starts playing. They stay silent listening to every single song until Chanyeol can’t take it anymore and says “I really like doing it,” Kyungsoo stops scrolling through the comments, reduces the volume and looks down at Chanyeol, who’s sprawled on the bed beside Kyungsoo, his head close to the laptop resting on top of Kyungsoo’s lap. “Putting my work out there and getting feedback for them is so different from anything I've ever done,” He fiddles with the USB stick sticking out from his laptop and continues after a moment. “And I'm not just talking about the comments. Sometimes I get messages asking me if they can do a cover of my song, or asking if they can make artwork or animation based on my songs, and it has such a– a community feeling to it, you know? The fact that something I created inspires someone to do something is so crazy,” Chanyeol curls up and buries his head against Kyungsoo’s thigh in embarrassment. “I sound like a complete dork, don't I?” Kyungsoo laughs and shakes his head. “Not at all, I wish I have something like that. What you described sounds amazing.” Chanyeol beams and suddenly sits up. “You can! You can sing, so you can do a cover of one of my songs and I'll upload it to my account! Or you can make a new account yourself. Either way it'll be really great! People will love you!” Kyungsoo bites down his smile, flattered by Chanyeol’s unwavering confidence in his singing. “I don't know, I'm not sure I like the idea of putting myself out there like that.” “But that's what's great about the vocaloid community! Virtually everyone is anonymous! Everyone uses fake names and avatars to represent themselves. You don't have to worry about putting yourself out there!” The childlike enthusiasm in Chanyeol’s eyes is very difficult to look away from. “It will be so great! I promise, I promise! Please!” Chanyeol shakes his shoulders and practically whines on his knees. Kyungsoo finally stops trying to suppress his smile. “I'll think about it,” Chanyeol beams. They fall into an easy conversation building upon Chanyeol’s love for creating music for himself and for his online following. Kyungsoo is truly stunned by the strong passion they both share for music. Because Chanyeol doesn’t study music, he has always just assumed that he's more musically connected with Jongdae. “My life is all about music. There's always a guitar next to my bed and a keyboard next to my computer. I'm constantly making music or listening to it.” “If you like it so much, why don't you study it?” “Well, I thought if I'm already doing so much with it. I don't really need a degree for it, you know? I have so much passion for it, I know I can still learn everything outside of an academic setting. Besides,” Chanyeol settles next to Kyungsoo against the headboard. “It appeases my parents to know I'm learning something I can get a 'real' job in.” “Usually people's concept of a 'real' job doesn't jump from aspiring musician to rocket scientists.” “What can I say. I only got a B in biology so they wouldn't let me be a brain surgeon instead.” Kyungsoo flicks him on the forehead for his casual arrogance. Chanyeol laughs, leaning his head against Kyungsoo’s. When Chanyeol packs up and is getting ready to leave, he turns around as if a thought had just occurred to him and says “Don't tell Jongdae or Sehun about the vocaloid thing, okay?” Kyungsoo frowns. “They don't know?” “No. It’s sort of my own thing. Having an internet presence can be embarrassing to think about sometimes.” Chanyeol ducks his head as he swings his backpack onto his shoulder. “I'm sorry I sort of made you let me listen to it. I didn't know...” “No! It's fine. I kind of like that you know,” Chanyeol pauses on his way to the door, “It's nice to have someone I know in real life give me feedback on it. It feels more…solid,” He shrugs. “I don't know.” Kyungsoo smiles and nods. He guesses he can understand that. -   The boys decide to go clubbing the next Friday night. There are many reasons why Kyungsoo doesn’t particularly enjoy clubbing. Overpriced venues, similarly overpriced drinks, waiting in line in the streets for however long the bouncers decide you deserve to wait, potentially awful music, being the only one relatively sober at the end of the night who is then responsible for getting everyone back home safely. All of these are made worse if the weather is too cold, too hot, or raining. Plus, in the darken rooms, under the pulsing beat, swaying yourself amongst multiple drunken bodies who possess varying degrees of self-control and sense of adventure in their spirit, you sometimes end up with people who get way too up close and personal with you, and suffocating and trapped don’t even begin to describe how appalling that feels sometimes. But in this very instance, the flip side is also true and this gives Kyungsoo the golden opportunity to get up close and personal with Jongdae. And get up close and personal he did. Jongdae turns out to be a very suggestive dancer. Kyungsoo hooks his arm across Jongdae’s chest from behind originally to get his attention, but Jongdae threw one look at him, drops his hips low and starts grinding his ass against him, his hands held high as he sways to the music. Kyungsoo chokes on his own saliva and rests his hands on Jongdae’s hips, not daring to do anything more, like run his hands across his chest or grind his crotch back at him. Some time later when the music changes, Jongdae slips out of his grasp to join Sehun and Chanyeol’s two-man dance party, where Chanyeol utterly fails at replicating Sehun’s showy dance moves and Sehun tries to subtly increase the difficulty of his moves just to watch Chanyeol further embarrass himself. Jongdae steps in between them and playfully shoves Chanyeol away, announcing Sehun as the winner of the non-existent competition and starts dancing with him. That is, if dancing can be used to describe what they’re doing. The three shots they had when they arrived seem to have finally taken effect on Jongdae. His limbs are looser and his dancing is a lot more lewd than before. Sehun notices this as well and does everything Kyungsoo didn’t. He slides his hands all across Jongdae’s chest and abdomen, and rolls his hips against Jongdae, his lips tantalizingly close to Jongdae’s ear. Kyungsoo promptly decides that that is not something he wants to pay any close attention to and turns to Chanyeol instead, who seems all too happy to have his attention taken up by Kyungsoo. Chanyeol still looks relatively sober after those three shots and keeps his hands strictly on Kyungsoo’s sides and shoulders. But even if he doesn’t, Chanyeol is still a much safer option to dance with than anyone else gyrating around them. Chanyeol can be comfortingly considerate and gentlemanly sometimes. When it’s Kyungsoo’s turn to buy drinks, he gets chatted up by some guy at the bar while waiting for his order. Kyungsoo is a little drunk and the music is too loud. He can’t be bothered to straight up tell the guy to fuck off, so he gives out terse replies that he hopes convey his utter disinterest in having any sort of interaction and wills the bartender to pour faster. When the guy asks him if he’d like to stay here and ‘have a chat’ with him, drinks offered and all, Kyungsoo bites out that he’s here with friends and doesn’t intend to leave them tonight. But the guy is persistent and the more he tries to persuade Kyungsoo with thinly veiled sexual advances, the more Kyungsoo has to convince himself that he isn’t going to cause a ruckus over this, because little is worse than a solo confrontation with some drunkard in the middle of a god damn club. But Kyungsoo’s lack of response only seems to fuel the guy’s interest. He gets uncomfortably handsy with Kyungsoo, and starts spouting disgusting nonsense like “Twinks like you don’t just come to clubs like this to blue ball everyone,” He proceeds to slide his hand up Kyungsoo’s arm, making his skin crawl. Just when Kyungsoo is about to snap the guy's wrist and show him how he’s willing to turn other parts of his body blue as well, making a fuss be damned, Chanyeol brushes the guy's hand away and slips a protective arm around Kyungsoo’s waist. “He's taken. And even if he isn’t, have a little respect. He’s clearly not interested,” Chanyeol spits out. He takes two of the drinks on the bar with his right hand and kisses Kyungsoo’s hair in a reassuring yet intimate way that makes Kyungsoo stare at him in surprise, his hand reaching for the remaining drinks stops in mid-air. “Come on, let's go,” Chanyeol's height and tone must have intimidated the guy enough that he doesn't protest and only grumbles under his breath as they leave the bar. A part of Kyungsoo wishes that he had been given the chance to make a fuss over what the guy said, but he also kind of appreciates Chanyeol intervening. Chanyeol's presence calms him as he has always done, the arm that remains around his waist as they get back to the booth is doing wonders for his blood pressure. He leans into Chanyeol's side as Jongdae and Sehun fight over which drink is theirs and lets himself bask in the moment for a little while longer. Later that night when they have had a few more drinks in them, whatever game Jongdae and Sehun have been playing with each other all night finally reaches a climax when Sehun leans down and kisses Jongdae on the dance floor. Kyungsoo’s heart squeezes in his chest when Jongdae doesn’t push him away, but instead pulls him in closer. The music fades in Kyungsoo’s ears and everything around those two seem to lose focus. Kyungsoo cannot believe his eyes. Where did that come from? Did they have a thing going on this whole time? Was Kyungsoo too focused on trying to get close to Jongdae himself that he never noticed Sehun having similar intensions? Would he have had the same luck if he had just been bolder with Jongdae? Jealousy and disappointment claw at his heart. Kyungsoo drags his eyes away to turn his attention back to Chanyeol, who is looking down at him with a smile, seemingly unaware that his two best friends are making out just three feet away from them. A bit thoughtlessly, he puts his arms around Chanyeol's neck and kisses his cheek, close to the corner of Chanyeol's mouth. Chanyeol leans back, stunned. Even in the dimly lit room with coloured lights flashing all around them, Kyungsoo can still see how Chanyeol’s cheeks are blushing furiously. “What was that for?” Kyungsoo doesn’t know. The image of Jongdae and Sehun won’t leave his mind. “For getting that guy off my back.” Chanyeol smiles shyly and says “It’s alright.” There's a moment not long after that where Kyungsoo still has his arms around Chanyeol's neck, and Chanyeol's gaze keeps flickering down from his eyes. The room they’re in is packed with other dancers, which means they’re pressed so close to each other that Kyungsoo can faintly feel Chanyeol’s breath on his cheek every time he exhales. For a few brief seconds, Chanyeol’s hand comes up to cradle the back of his neck and he tips his head to the side. A strange sense of thrill nudges at his mind, but Kyungsoo can’t pinpoint why. All Kyungsoo knows is that he's very drunk, very jealous, very heartbroken and he can't think straight at all. Chanyeol keeps his hand warm on the back of his neck and looks into Kyungsoo’s eyes for a short eternity, before he sighs and runs a hand over Kyungsoo’s hair in such a protective way that Kyungsoo can't help but lean towards the touch. Chanyeol is smiling again, albeit fainter, and settles his hands on his hips once again. When Kyungsoo slides his hands back down to Chanyeol's arms, he has a distinct feeling that something important has just passed them by. But it most likely wasn’t something of real import because Chanyeol is still smiling at him with his usual warmth, and Sehun and Jongdae are still going at it when Kyungsoo chances a glance to his right. They continue dancing like that until the crowd thins, Kyungsoo’s eyes slipping to where Jongdae is every so often. He doesn't notice how Chanyeol's eyes are trained on him throughout the night. When they finally fall back out into the frosty late winter air, it is the majority’s decision that they all head to Jongdae and Chanyeol’s flat for the night. Kyungsoo is too out of it to give an informed opinion. He clutches onto Chanyeol’s arm for balance, and keeps his eyes on either the pavement or Chanyeol to avoid having to look at Sehun and Jongdae beside them, mumbling nonsense and holding each other close for warmth. Once they arrive, Sehun marches straight into Jongdae’s room. Jongdae quickly follows him after almost falling over himself trying to toe off his shoes. Kyungsoo starts towards the couch, but Chanyeol pulls him back by his arm and offers him his bed instead. Kyungsoo declines instinctively, tugs his arm back and starts balling up his coat into a makeshift pillow. After sluggishly brushing his teeth with Chanyeol’s spare tooth brush and splashing his face with cold water that resulted in very limited success in sobering him up, Kyungsoo exits the bathroom to find Chanyeol waiting outside with a tall glass of water. He coaxes Kyungsoo into downing the whole glass, while not so subtly steers him towards his bedroom. When they walk past Jongdae’s closed bedroom door, Kyungsoo suddenly feels too weary to even try to argue, so he lets himself be pushed onto Chanyeol’s bed and pulls the cover over his head to shield himself away from the light Chanyeol flicks on. Once they’ve both settled on the bed, lying next to each other in the darkness, Kyungsoo’s hand brushes Chanyeol’s arm when he stretches. In the state between sleep and wakefulness, Kyungsoo registers a vague understanding that something might happen between them after that night’s unusual intimacy on the dance floor. But the thought slips through his mind like fine sand even when Kyungsoo tries to remember why that matters, as exhaustion drags him deeper and deeper into a hazy slumber.   The next morning, Kyungsoo wakes to Chanyeol’s gaze flinching away and him squeezing his eyes shut. His eyes slowly open again and the puff of laughter that escapes him tickles Kyungsoo’s nose. It’s only then Kyungsoo realises how close they are lying next to each other. Chanyeol’s bed hair is sticking out in every direction and his features are softer in the morning light. Jongdae and Sehun are probably in some much more compromising position in the room next door, his traitorous brain abruptly supplies. Kyungsoo sighs as Chanyeol curls on his side so his head just about brushes Kyungsoo’s chest. He’s glad he at least has Chanyeol by his side while he deals with his heartache. He can always rely on him for a shoulder to lean on, or to provide a proverbial shelter when he feels at a loss as to where he stands with Jongdae. Not to mention, that glass of water last night was a fucking great idea that saved him from a lot of pain this morning. In gratitude, he leans in and kisses Chanyeol's crown, not unlike how Chanyeol did last night. “Good morning,” he ruffles his soft hair and leaves for the bathroom. Jongdae and Sehun are still nowhere to be seen when Kyungsoo steps out of the bathroom. Chanyeol however, is in the kitchen pouring coffee into two mugs and heating up a frying pan on the stove. Kyungsoo opens the fridge and starts rummaging for some eggs and bacon for breakfast. Chanyeol makes protesting noises behind him as he sets the ingredient out on the counter. “Let me do this,” Kyungsoo bats away Chanyeol’s hand reaching for an egg, “It’s the least I can do after you let me sleep in your bed.” Chanyeol shrugs and sips at his coffee. He doesn’t seem particularly talkative during mornings. The contrast is kind of endearing. As Kyungsoo leisurely stirs the scrambled eggs on the pan, Chanyeol comes up behind him and rests his hands and chin on his shoulders. Kyungsoo doesn’t shrug him off; Chanyeol’s body heat against his back in the crisp early morning air of the apartment is pleasant and cosy. Once Kyungsoo has dished out the eggs and the sleepy silence stretches as they both observe the bacon slices slowly sizzle, he says in the most casual way he knows how “I didn’t know Jongdae and Sehun have a thing. Did you?” Chanyeol moves away from Kyungsoo to go sit at the counter opposite the stove instead. Kyungsoo shivers at the chill that suddenly creeps back up on him. “I think it’s a recent thing,” Chanyeol says, rubbing his hair, then lays his head on his crossed arms. He fiddles with the spices laid out in front of him for a moment before adding “I don’t really know the details, but I don’t think it’s anything official.” Kyungsoo hums and asks him where the bread is when Chanyeol doesn’t say anything more. -   Once the deadline for their year’s biggest piece of coursework has come and gone, a group of Jongdae’s friends suggest that a celebratory dinner is in order. Since Kyungsoo is also invited, Chanyeol and Sehun naturally tag along. When they arrived at the restaurant, Kyungsoo immediately snags a seat next to Jongdae. Ever since the club night, Kyungsoo has adopted the wait and see strategy. As Chanyeol has helpfully enlightened him about the current state of Jongdae and Sehun’s relationship, Kyungsoo has decided to put the jealousy and bitterness behind him, and continue with his regularly scheduled Jongdae-crushing. If the thing between Jongdae and Sehun only happened recently and is nothing official, for all he knows, it can just be two friends hooking up for the sake of convenience. Sehun slides out the chair opposite Kyungsoo and settles down at the end of the table, pulling Chanyeol down next to him. Almost as soon as Chanyeol is dragged into his chair, the seats surrounding him immediately get filled up by the girls in their group. Their attention is glued to him even as the waitress hands out the menus and takes their drink orders. Kyungsoo has never hung out with Chanyeol outside of their group of four, so this is a sight that Kyungsoo has yet to witness until now. He can sort of see the appeal. Chanyeol definitely has the height advantage. Plus his styled up short brown hair, smiley eyes and boyish good looks, Kyungsoo wonders how he has never realised that Chanyeol is actually very attractive. When the girls burst into ooo's and ahh's in response to Chanyeol answer that he studies aeronautical engineering, and he ducks his head to hide his blush, Kyungsoo supposes he's got the smart and charming bit covered too. He sips at his drink and smiles around the straw at the look of triumph on Chanyeol’s face when he makes a joke that has all the girls laughing with neatly manicured fingers covering their mouths. Absentmindedly, Kyungsoo wonders if one of these girls would one day sing a duet to Chanyeol’s guitar in her bedroom. If Chanyeol would make her listen to his newest composition as soon as he finishes it, or if he would defend her from creeps at bars and hold her protectively in his arms on the dance floor as the surrounding crowd fades away and she becomes the only thing he sees. He wonders if Chanyeol has ever been in love. One of the girls from their course seems particularly taken to Chanyeol. As the night progresses, touches on the elbow or shoulder slowly graduates to her practically draping herself over him. Sometimes, the table blocks Kyungsoo’s view of her hand, but judging from the scandalized look on Chanyeol’s face, he can hazard a guess that her hand is not on his chair. Chanyeol looks flustered. He keeps throwing looks at Jongdae as if asking for mental support, and jabbing his elbow at Sehun’s ribs whenever he snorts too loudly into his food at something the girl says that is either incredibly forward or suggestive. Sometimes, Chanyeol seems to send these hopeful looks at Kyungsoo’s direction, but will always hastily turn away when Kyungsoo looks directly back at him. Kyungsoo takes pity on him eventually and decides he should probably intervene, at least to temporarily release Chanyeol from the girl’s predatory grasp. It’s only fair for him to return the favour. Kyungsoo comes up from behind them, runs his hand through Chanyeol's short hair and settles it at the side of his neck. He leans down slightly to put some distance between them, and says close to Chanyeol’s ear, loud enough for the girl to hear, “I'm dying for a smoke. Come out with me?” He catches Sehun and Jongdae shooting looks at each other, but Chanyeol's smile looks so surprised and happy when he turns to him, that Kyungsoo decides he’ll just ask them about it later. Chanyeol shoots up from his chair, but is courteous enough to look apologetic when he turns to the girl and mutters “I’ll...um, be right back.” He clings to Kyungsoo as soon as they turn to leave, but Kyungsoo shrugs him off and puts his hand on his elbow instead to ease his restlessness. Then, after a glance at the girl’s sour expression, he slides his hand down into Chanyeol's for maximum fuck-off effect. He doesn't have to turn around to know her eyes are burning holes into his back. A feeling of satisfaction washes over him. Kyungsoo doesn’t even bother to hide the smirk that tugs at his lips. Once they are outside, they come to an unspoken agreement to walk around the surrounding area for a bit because neither of them actually smokes. Kyungsoo had planned to release Chanyeol's hand as soon as they leave the restaurant, but Chanyeol is holding onto him tight. It would probably be too awkward if he was to try and shake his hand off. Chanyeol most likely needs some safe and comforting physical touch after spending the past hour being molested anyway. Half way around the block, Chanyeol lifts their hands, tips his head to the direction of the restaurant and says “What was that for?” Kyungsoo had thought it was pretty obvious, even Chanyeol’s own question echoes that of that night’s. “To return the favour from that night at the club.” Surely, the blatant parallel has not escaped Chanyeol? Chanyeol's expression doesn't change but his hold becomes slack in Kyungsoo’s hand. Kyungsoo instinctively holds on tighter and looks up at Chanyeol in alarm, confused by the reaction. Chanyeol is looking down at their joint hands and doesn’t meet his eyes for a few moments. Kyungsoo doesn't understand what's happening so he tries to pull at his hand and smile reassuringly. After a beat, Chanyeol looks up and he’s smiling again. In a narrow back alley two blocks away from the restaurant, their path is dimly lit by lights coming from the residential flats above them. A strange silence shrouds them and Kyungsoo doesn’t want to let go of Chanyeol’s hand anymore. It just doesn’t seem right. -   The next time they all hang out outside of Sehun and Kyungsoo’s dorm is when Jongdae’s brother gives them his spare tickets to an amusement park and they all decide it’s high time for an outdoor trip. The weather has been growing warmer each day, but the sun isn’t so much as beating down on them as it will be later in the height of summer. They’ve been walking around the park playing arcade games, visiting animal sanctuaries and eating overpriced junk food for three hours when Kyungsoo suggests that they go on one of the bigger rides. Jongdae and Sehun both pause to look at Chanyeol, but Chanyeol only nods with a smile and asks him which ride he has in mind. It’s only after the ride that it becomes clear why those two had acted so weird at first. Once they step out of the ride, Chanyeol immediately runs for the nearest bin and chunders. Horrified, Kyungsoo rushes up to him. He rubs Chanyeol’s back worriedly, while at the same time tries his hardest not to look inside the bin. “If you don't like roller coasters, why the hell would you agree to go on one?” Kyungsoo half berates. Twenty feet away, Sehun stands with his back facing them while staring resolutely at some flowers. Jongdae paces next to him to keep him company, but looks at Chanyeol in concern. “Because you said you wanted to go,” Chanyeol says weakly, both hands clutching onto the wooden rim of the bin. “Not if it makes you throw up, you idiot!” Kyungsoo yells, distressed that he made Chanyeol sick. But Chanyeol only laughs before dry heaving into the bin again. When Chanyeol stops feeling like he might puke at any second, Kyungsoo orders him to sit at a nearby bench to recover. Reluctantly, he tells Jongdae and Sehun that they should go on exploring the park without them, instead of having all four of them sitting and standing around doing nothing waiting for Chanyeol to feel better. Jongdae immediately turns to Chanyeol and raises his brows at him. When Kyungsoo follows his line of sight to look at Chanyeol questioningly, he just shrugs and looks away. After Jongdae and Sehun leaves, Kyungsoo goes off to buy Chanyeol a bottle of water so he can rinse his mouth and also hydrate them both. Chanyeol is still clutching his head in his hands, back hunched over with his elbows resting on his knees when Kyungsoo returns. Kyungsoo presses the sweating plastic bottle to Chanyeol’s forehead and resists the urge to apologize again. Chanyeol makes a grateful noise without looking up. Kyungsoo opens the bottle with a crack and lifts it gently to Chanyeol’s lips. Once they’ve jointly depleted half of the cold water, Kyungsoo sits down at the end of the bench and tells Chanyeol to lie down with his head resting on Kyungsoo’s lap. Chanyeol shifts his head on Kyungsoo’s lap to make himself comfortable as Kyungsoo rolls the cool surface of the water bottle over the back of his own neck. Chanyeol cracks his eyes open and smiles up at him through spread fingers shielding his eyes from the sun. Kyungsoo’s glad he’s looking better. He returns his smile and covers Chanyeol’s eyes for him so his arm doesn’t get tired. When Jongdae and Sehun return to collect them 20 minutes later, Chanyeol insists that he is feeling much better and is ready to go. Kyungsoo pushes Chanyeol into a sitting position and stands in front of him. He’s trying to check if Chanyeol still looks dazed and nauseous, but Chanyeol is looking past him in Jongdae’s direction and failing miserably at trying to suppress a smile. When Kyungsoo lifts his chin with his finger to capture his attention, Chanyeol’s eyes slides back onto him immediately. He doesn’t look like he wants to throw up anymore, but the dazed look is certainly still there. Kyungsoo leans back and crosses his arms “Are you sure?” Chanyeol only grins dumbly at him, dazed look and all, and says “Yeah,” before getting up and herding Kyungsoo towards Jongdae and Sehun’s direction. As they walk behind them, Kyungsoo can’t help but fixate on Jongdae and Sehun’s linked hands. This display of affection goes against his theory about causal hook-ups. Kyungsoo doesn’t really want to think about it. He’s startled when a hand wraps around his. He looks down at Chanyeol larger hand holding on to his and then up at the man himself. Next to him, Chanyeol shoots him a timid smile and nods at the two in front of them. “We can hold hands too.” Kyungsoo didn’t realize he was being that transparent, but he appreciates Chanyeol’s sentiment and holds on as they meander under the evening sun. -   Kyungsoo’s phone buzzes in his pocket one Saturday night when he is folding his laundry, singing to Ed Sheeran’s latest album. The preview messages say they’re from Jongdae. Kyungsoo raises his eyebrows in interest but decides to leave it until he’s done with his chores. As he stuffs his balled up socks into his bedside drawer, he realizes that Jongdae’s messages no longer makes his heart jump in his chest like it used to the first 30 times it happened. He supposes that he’s finally gotten used to being a close friend to Jongdae, instead of an almost-stranger with a crush. Jongdae’s texts, when Kyungsoo does read them, say that Chanyeol has been stressing over his end-of-term coursework recently because deadline is looming and most of his assigned groupmates turned out to be incompetent irresponsible nitwits. Jongdae says he’s been refusing to hang out with him or Sehun, and isn't sleeping or eating properly due to his self-imposed hectic work schedule. Apparently, he’s even picked up the habit of spending nights at the lab instead of going home. Jongdae is worried about him, but nothing he does or says seem to have any effect, so he needs Kyungsoo’s help. Jongdae’s exact words were ‘force some sense into him, but mostly please force-feed him and knock him out so he would sleep’. Kyungsoo frowns at his phone. So that’s why he hasn't been getting as many annoying texts from Chanyeol lately. He shows up at Chanyeol’s flat the next day armed with a bag full of groceries and a couple of sleeping pills that he hopes he doesn't have to resort to. When Chanyeol opens the door, he looks surprised to see him. “Jongdae is at school,” he says weakly, voice hoarse. He looks terrible. His skin is deathly pale, he has bags under his eyes and he can’t seem to stand up straight. He looks like he just rolled out of bed even though it's 12 in the afternoon. Kyungsoo remembers what Jongdae said about spending nights at the lab and figures Chanyeol had probably only come home at early hours of the morning again. “I'm here for you,” Kyungsoo says softly, feeling bad for dragging Chanyeol out of bed from his much needed sleep. Chanyeol perks up and is suddenly smiling very wide, even though his eyes still look so tired it makes him look like he's smiling with a frown. “Really?” Kyungsoo doesn't understand the hopefulness in Chanyeol's voice. He thought they hang out plenty, this shouldn't be that much of a surprise. But he does make a mental note to come visit Chanyeol more often anyway. Kyungsoo marches past Chanyeol and sets the groceries onto the kitchen counter. The first course of action is to put some hot non-microwavable food into Chanyeol. Chanyeol looks at him unsurely, but his mind is clearly still on his project because he doesn't think to question why Kyungsoo has suddenly turned up to rinse rice in his kitchen. He looks between his room and Kyungsoo, seemingly debating with himself whether he should keep Kyungsoo company or go back to his room to do some more work. Eventually, he jerks his thumb towards his room hesitantly and says “I have something I have to do, is it ok if I leave you here for a bit?” Kyungsoo nods. This will be the last hour of work he'll be doing all day anyway.   Chanyeol groans as he takes his first bite of the kimchi salmon fried rice Kyungsoo made for both of them and grins sheepishly when Kyungsoo stares. “I don't think I've eaten a proper meal in days,” Kyungsoo smiles and tells him to eat up. It isn't until he's fully fed and being led to bed by Kyungsoo that Chanyeol finally has some sense kicked back into him. “Wait, what are you doing? What are we doing?” Chanyeol glances at the bed and at Kyungsoo’s hand clutching his arm. His cheeks flush for some reason and starts stammering incoherently. “You're going to bed.” Chanyeol stops abruptly and Kyungsoo can see the exact moment that the penny drops. His whole face becomes blank and all the excitement and shyness from before seem to disappear. “Jongdae sent you, didn't he?” Kyungsoo nods. He doesn’t understand why the look on Chanyeol’s face makes him want to apologize. “That bastard, he sent you. He knows. Fuck.” Kyungsoo stares suspiciously at Chanyeol. He doesn’t like that there’s apparently something shared between Chanyeol and Jongdae about him that he’s not privy to. “What does Jongdae know?” “Nothing!” Chanyeol says a little too quickly. Kyungsoo frowns. “Just that he knows I don't have time for this. I'm sorry Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol starts to extract himself from Kyungsoo’s grasp, “I really appreciate you coming here today, cooking me food, hanging out with me and all, but I have a lot of work I need to do and I don't have time to play along with whatever Jongdae has set you up to do.” Kyungsoo places a gentle hand between Chanyeol's shoulder blades and slides it slowly down his back in what he imagines to be a reassuring manner. Chanyeol shivers but relaxes under his touch. He doesn't really know why that has such an effect on Chanyeol. He must be so sleep deprived and overworked that he's become hypersensitive to everything. He gently guides Chanyeol closer to the bed and pushes him down, his hand heavy on Chanyeol’s chest. Chanyeol's breath hitches when his back hits the mattress and his eyes flutter for a moment when Kyungsoo hovers right above him. Kyungsoo leans away and pulls the duvet over Chanyeol, tucking him in. “I know you think you need to work constantly to meet the deadline on Friday, but working yourself to the ground like this is more likely to send you to the hospital for exhaustion and malnutrition than getting your work done on time. I'm here to make sure you catch up on all the sleep you missed this past week and eat two full meals today.” “You're staying till dinner?” Chanyeol's eyes widen, and there's that hopeful look Kyungsoo has been associating with him a lot lately. “Yes. I’m going to go make dinner later, but for now I'll stay here until you fall asleep.” Chanyeol contemplates this for a while before wiggling to the side of the bed and pulls down his duvet. “I'll fall asleep faster if you're next to me?” Kyungsoo snorts and rolls his eyes. “Fine,” in for a penny, in for a pound. Chanyeol lets out a happy noise and throws an arm around Kyungsoo once he settles in next to Chanyeol. A sense of déjà vu nudges at his mind as he remembers sleeping next to Chanyeol in this very bed not long ago when he was drunk to the gills. Only except this time, Chanyeol has half-draped himself over Kyungsoo instead of lying quietly on his side of the bed. Kyungsoo finds that he rather likes this. This side of Chanyeol is needier, touchier, less self-conscious, more vulnerable. “Thank you,” Chanyeol mumbles against his shoulder and is out like a light within seconds.   When Chanyeol wakes up 4 hours later, it's dusk and Kyungsoo is sitting on the bed beside him typing away at his laptop. “You're still here,” he rubs his eyes and reaches out for Kyungsoo, his arm stretching out again to wrap around Kyungsoo’s midriff. “You haven't had your second cooked meal yet,” Kyungsoo pets his head gently as he continues to read through the sheet music that’s been sent by his tutor for tomorrow’s tutorial. Chanyeol purrs under his touch and runs his hand up Kyungsoo’s chest before giving him squeezing hug from the side, letting out a pleased noise as he does so. Chanyeol seems particularly clingy when he wakes up. Kyungsoo puts his laptop on the night stand and gets up, Chanyeol’s arm slides off him as he stands. “I'll go make dinner now.” Chanyeol nods into the pillow sleepily. “I'll come get you once it's ready, okay?” Chanyeol gives him a lazy smile before burying himself back into the blankets. Dinner consists of doenjang, haemul pajeon and Chanyeol whimpering gratefully into his food. After dinner, Chanyeol continues to cling to Kyungsoo. He suggests they watch some variety show to kill time before Kyungsoo has to leave. He seems keen to make Kyungsoo stay and Kyungsoo figures he should encourage any and all activities that isn’t Chanyeol doing more work. As the host starts introducing the episode's guests, Chanyeol slides his hand into Kyungsoo’s and drops his head onto his shoulder, having already slouched his body forward enough to make the position comfortable this time. The scene seems a little more intimate than usual, but Kyungsoo rationalises that it's nothing they haven't already done before. So Kyungsoo leans his cheek against Chanyeol's head and chuckles at a joke one of the hosts makes.   At the end of the night, when he's standing at the front door with his backpack feeling significantly lighter after unloading most of its content into Chanyeol’s fridge, he makes Chanyeol promise that he will keep a more human schedule from now on. Chanyeol nods along as Kyungsoo tells him to sleep at least 6 consecutive hours a day and have at least one cooked meal per day. “Yes mom, I get it, I get it,” Chanyeol groans and laughs when Kyungsoo hits him. Chanyeol straightens and leans forward to envelop Kyungsoo in a hug. “Thank you,” he says quietly next to Kyungsoo’s ear. Kyungsoo returns the hug with a pat on his back. “You're welcome.” When Chanyeol lets go, he doesn't let go completely and his eyes becomes hooded as they start dropping lower and lower down Kyungsoo’s face. Kyungsoo thinks it's only natural; Chanyeol is probably still sleepy after this hectic week. 4 hours isn't a lot compared to the amount of sleep he should be getting, per week. Kyungsoo reaches up to ruffle Chanyeol's hair. “You should go back to sleep.” That seems to have woken Chanyeol up from a trance. Chanyeol blinks and says “Yeah, you're right,” he smiles down at Kyungsoo once more before taking a step back. “I'm still pretty tired.” “I'll probably only see you after Friday, right? Text me if you need anything.” Chanyeol beams. Kyungsoo receives a text from Jongdae the next day saying you worked like a charm :D. He's pleased that he's done what Jongdae wanted, but his thoughts don't linger on him as much. Instead, he smiles at the memory of Chanyeol's pleased noises when he snuggles up to Kyungsoo, the way he could finally smile with his eyes again after the 4-hour nap and how he bounced around the living room when Kyungsoo revealed they were having ice cream for dessert. -   Kyungsoo starts going to Chanyeol’s place from time to time after that. Showing up unannounced makes Chanyeol happy, hanging out with him is always great fun, plus, it’s a great bonus when Jongdae is also around and he gets to hang out with both of them. On one regular Tuesday night, Kyungsoo shows up at Chanyeol’s flat and tells him he’s here to do a cover of one of his songs. Chanyeol flails around him so hard he trips on his own feet and ends up taking Kyungsoo down with him. Kyungsoo punches him in the gut and Chanyeol curls in on himself laughing hard as he says sorry to Kyungsoo repeatedly. He stays till late watching Chanyeol edit his voice into the song after they spend an hour recording Chanyeol’s song of choice. He had felt very self-conscious the first few times when Chanyeol shoved a microphone in front of him and the lines on the screen started jumping to his voice. Listening to his own recorded voice after each take was initially incredibly embarrassing, but Chanyeol’s lowly murmured encouragement settled Kyungsoo’s heart like he always does. He had pushed one side of Kyungsoo’s headphones away and told him that he was doing fine, told him that he knew for a fact that Kyungsoo has a beautiful voice, and soon, so would everyone else who listens to his cover. A swell of gratitude and affection surged through his heart. The gentle side of Chanyeol never ceases to surprise Kyungsoo whenever it resurfaces. Not long after that, he was able to let go of his nervousness and sing like he usually does to Chanyeol’s guitar. Chanyeol’s enthusiastic praise was slightly disconcerting, but his childlike fervour made it hard not to indulge him. There’s a knock on the door when Chanyeol is about to finish his edit. Jongdae’s voice comes from the other side as it opens. “Hey, I saw Kyungsoo’s shoes by the door, is he in–“ Chanyeol leaps out of his chair and slams the door shut. “Don’t just knock and open the door!” Chanyeol yells and with a panicked look, motioning for Kyungsoo to minimize the program on the screen. Kyungsoo shakes his head with a smirk and obliges. “Wow, okay okay,” Jongdae says in a falsely placating tone. “Clearly, this flat needs to adopt the sock on the door knob system from now on.” Chanyeol’s face flushes incredibly red and yanks the door open. “It’s not like that! We were just–” he stops abruptly, probably just realizing how difficult it is to come up with an excuse that warrants such a reaction. Behind Chanyeol, Kyungsoo waves at Jongdae in greeting. Finally, Chanyeol settles with “We were just watching some stuff on the internet.” Jongdae’s brows shoot up. This is so much worse for Chanyeol than if he just admits that he’s an internet musical sensation, Kyungsoo thinks, feeling slightly sympathetic to Chanyeol’s predicament, but is too amused to want to do anything about it. “It’s not like that either!” Chanyeol groans at his own inability to lie convincingly. “It's fine, it's fine. You kids can have your fun. I can finally make use of the ear plugs I bought during my dorm days,” “It's really not like that,” Chanyeol mumbles weakly into his palms covering his face. Jongdae ruffles his hair fondly and winks at Kyungsoo before skipping away to the kitchen, content at having embarrassed Chanyeol thoroughly. Kyungsoo also wants to clarify to Jongdae that he is mistaken, that his intentions for Chanyeol are pure, unlike his intentions for him. But watching Chanyeol being flustered might be his new favourite hobby, so he sits on his hands and does nothing but grin. “You could have said something too, you know,” Chanyeol pouts and closes the door warily. “Where would be the fun in that? You're cute when you're flustered.” Chanyeol sputters even more and Kyungsoo laughs. -   One day, Kyungsoo finds an evening where Chanyeol and Sehun are both busy and invites Jongdae over to hang out, because despite accepting Chanyeol’s very first invitation to the movies with the intention of spending more time with Jongdae, almost half a year later, he hasn’t succeeded much in crafting out time alone to spend with him. He always hangs out with Jongdae in the context of the four of them together, and when he does hang out with just one person, it’s almost exclusively Chanyeol. Not that it matters anymore, because that’s going to change starting today. Jongdae accepted his invitation right away when Kyungsoo suggested the hang out, much to Kyungsoo’s relief. That evening, when they’re stuffed full of takeaway pizza and have gone through a movie already, they sit side by side on Kyungsoo’s bed to talk about totally mundane things, which allows Kyungsoo’s brain to shut down and just admire Jongdae’s smile as he describes this delicious lavender Frappuccino that he had at a back alley coffee shop he went to last weekend with Sehun. Out of nowhere, he brings up Chanyeol and says “How about you and Chanyeol? Went on any exciting dates lately?” Like a CD player caught on repeat, Kyungsoo’s mind gets stuck on the segue and the insinuation that he is not ready to admit he understands yet. “What?” He flounders. “No?” Jongdae laughs and pokes at his arm. “You guys are so cute together. I’m sure Chanyeol brings you to plenty of nice places.” Kyungsoo’s brain trips on Jongdae’s words. Jongdae isn’t so much as implying, but flat out assuming something that Kyungsoo has never even thought about, something that is most definitely not true. “We’re not together,” Kyungsoo corrects him quickly. Is that why Jongdae never noticed that Kyungsoo likes him? Because he thinks Kyungsoo likes Chanyeol instead? Jongdae frowns briefly, but playfully knocks his shoulder with Kyungsoo’s. “It’s okay, we already know you two are dating. There’s no need to be shy, it’s just the two of us here.” Kyungsoo is upset. He’s upset about so many things that he isn’t even sure he’s capable of articulating half of them. But mostly, he’s upset that Jongdae seems happy about the idea of him and Chanyeol dating. Because that means he’s not jealous in the slightest. It means he has absolutely no romantic feelings towards Kyungsoo. It means Kyungsoo’s feelings for him are not returned, at all. Jongdae notices Kyungsoo’s change in mood and puts a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Hey, what’s wrong? Did Chanyeol do something stupid? I’m sure he didn’t mean it.” Kyungsoo knows he’s trying to be comforting, but he is so infuriated by Jongdae’s obliviousness and feels so heartbroken yet again that he doesn’t think when he says, a little viciously, “Chanyeol isn’t the one I like! I like you!” Jongdae jerks his hand away in surprised. “What?” His own confession still ringing in his ears, Kyungsoo regrets what he said. He should never have said anything, not when he now knows that his feelings are not returned. They have never been returned. But there’s nothing he can do, the cat is out of the bag. “I like you,” Kyungsoo admits miserably. “I’ve liked you since freshmen year.” “You like me?” The incredulity in Jongdae’s voice makes Kyungsoo flinch. He shakes his head as if he still can’t comprehend what Kyungsoo is telling him. “But you and Chanyeol are so close. You guys hold hands all the time and you even sleep on the same bed!” Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to say, not when Jongdae puts it like that. He is trying to think of a way to defend his relationship with Chanyeol when Jongdae, in a very hushed voice, says disbelievingly “Wait, are you dating Chanyeol just to get closer to me?” He looks betrayed on his best friend’s behalf. “Do you have any idea what this is going to do to Chanyeol when he finds out?” Kyungsoo hates that Jongdae’s making it sound like as if he’s ever had any ill intentions towards Chanyeol. Chanyeol is his best friend too. “I already said I’m not dating him! I’m not hurting Chanyeol!” “How can you say that? Don’t you know how much Chanyeol likes you?” Jongdae almost yells in his face. Kyungsoo stops and blinks. What? But he doesn’t get any more explanation on that because Jongdae is angrily shoving his wallet and jacket into his backpack, getting ready to leave. “I’m sorry, but I’m with Sehun now, so please stop toying with Chanyeol. It’s cruel. He doesn’t deserve this.” He’s a flurry of movement as he slips into his shoes and heads for the door. He stops at the opened door and turns, his eyes not meeting Kyungsoo’s. His grip on the door is hard, his knuckles turning white. “Please let him down gently when you break it off with him,” he hesitates at the doorway for a few more moments. “Please,” he says almost pleadingly before leaving. Kyungsoo throws a pillow at his wardrobe as soon as the door slams shut. What the fuck? Not only does Jongdae now know about his feelings, doesn’t return it and is officially with Sehun, he apparently also thinks Kyungsoo’s a dick for being friends with Chanyeol. And Chanyeol likes him? What? Kyungsoo moans into his duvet in frustration. His plans of getting closer to Jongdae has completely fallen apart, not that he has ever had much of a chance anyway, now with the benefit of hindsight. Also, were he and Chanyeol really that close that people mistake them for a couple? If Chanyeol likes him, then does he think they’re dating too? How has this never come up? He doesn’t know how to correct this mistake. He’s never meant to lead Chanyeol on, he’s just always there and he’s always so close. Kyungsoo has taken his proximity and intimacy for granted from the very beginning. He didn’t realize he was supposed to step back, to push Chanyeol away. How does he even begin to bring this up with Chanyeol? -   On his way out of the bathroom one night, Jongdae sees Chanyeol sitting on his bed, expression blank. He slowly approaches his flatmate and sits on the bed with him. He hopes Kyungsoo has followed his advice about letting Chanyeol down gently. After a long moment of silence, Chanyeol doesn’t move away from his blank stare as he says “He hasn’t replied to any of my text. What did I do?” Jongdae grinds his teeth so his anger doesn’t manifest itself into something more visible. “You didn’t do anything. I’m sure he’s just busy.” “So busy that he ignores me for a week?” Chanyeol finally turns towards him. Jongdae wrecks his brain trying to find something to say. “He hasn’t texted me either this week, so he probably is really busy.” Chanyeol lets out a derisive snort that’s very uncharacteristic of him. “He hasn’t texted you because you’re officially together with Sehun. There’s no point anymore.” Jongdae’s eyes widen in surprise, stunned by Chanyeol’s implication. “What?” “He’s going to break it off with me, isn’t he?” The hurt in Chanyeol’s voice has Jongdae leaning towards him in alarm. He knows the truth but refuses to be the one to tell Chanyeol. “Of course not, don’t be silly,” but he also absolutely loathes lying to Chanyeol like this. After a few moments of worrying silence, Chanyeol turns back to staring into midair. “He’s breaking it off because you officially got together with Sehun, right?” “What? No! What are you talking about?” Jongdae laughs humourlessly, trying to diffuse the tension to no avail. “It’s because he likes you,” Chanyeol says so softly that Jongdae almost misses it. “Who told you that?” he regrets saying it as soon as the words leave his mouth. “So it’s true,” Chanyeol stares despondently at him, but doesn’t seem surprised. Jongdae wishes he is. Jongdae can’t bring himself to say anything more. It feels like anything he says will only result in more pain inflicted onto Chanyeol. And he really doesn’t want to lie anymore. “No one told me,” Chanyeol says as the silence between them stretches into minutes. “I can tell. He’s always more eager to hang out when you’re coming along. He asks about you all the time. And he doesn’t look at me the same way he looks at you, you know?” Chanyeol laugh with a depth of sorrow that Jongdae doesn’t even realize he possesses. “I had hoped that I was wrong. But I was just deluding myself,” he shrinks into himself further, tucking his legs in and wraps his arms around himself. “You know, even though everyone seems to think we’re together, we’ve never actually done anything more than hold hands?” Chanyeol clenches his fists as if in emphasis. “Because I was afraid- afraid that if he really was only hanging around me to get closer to you, then I’d surely get rejected. If I wasn’t such a coward and had actually kissed him and got turned down, then this wouldn’t be happening.” Jongdae shifts closer to pull Chanyeol into a hug. “I’m so sorry.” Chanyeol’s head shakes against his chest. “It’s not your fault.” “But I,” Jongdae chokes on his guilt. “If I had known sooner, I would never have let it get this far.” Chanyeol rubs his arm. “It’s okay, it’s not your fault.” This is so reversed, Chanyeol shouldn’t be consoling him. He and Sehun had contributed to this from the start. They knew Chanyeol liked Kyungsoo, and as the two of them got closer and closer, they just assumed Kyungsoo liked him back and that they were dating. Chanyeol never outwardly denied anything. He always just smiled and blushed whenever he or Sehun brought it up. All those times he’s referred to Kyungsoo as Chanyeol’s boyfriend in front of him and asked him about their ‘dates’. Jongdae hates this and he hates himself. He pulls Chanyeol closer into his chest and refuses to leave his side for the rest of the night. -   Kyungsoo has lost all contact with Jongdae, Sehun and Chanyeol. Chanyeol has stopped trying to contact him a week after Kyungsoo stopped replying to his texts. He had originally told himself that he’s just trying to figure out a way to bring this up with him and let him down gently. But as time passes, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to reach out again after such a long period of unexplained silence. Now it’s been a month since Jongdae stormed out of his room, Kyungsoo figures he’s probably told Chanyeol about it by now. Kyungsoo feels horrible. He really is being an asshole for suddenly leaving Chanyeol like this. Chanyeol must be hurting, and he wants to be there to comfort him, like Chanyeol has done for him countless times. But he knows he’s lost the right to do that when he became the sole reason for Chanyeol’s heartbreak. He also misses Chanyeol, more than he ever thought he would. His absence around Kyungsoo becomes painfully obvious when Kyungsoo wants someone to talk to, someone to lean on. Chanyeol’s affection and touches have been Kyungsoo’s emotional support for months, and he didn’t even realize this until it’s too late. Jongdae is also refusing to speak to him. He avoids him during lectures and only speaks the bare minimum to him during tutorials so as to not appear rude. This stings, but strangely, Jongdae’s obvious resentment towards him hurts less than Chanyeol’s complete absence. His mind had always been on Jongdae, but he never realized that his body had gotten so used to having Chanyeol around him, that sometimes Kyungsoo finds himself unconsciously reaching out into thin air. He misses Chanyeol. -   Kyungsoo’s heart stutters and constricts when he gets a text from Chanyeol one evening, he fumbles with his phone and almost drops it on the ground. He can feel his heart hammering in his chest as he reads the text. Can we meet? They meet later that night, in a deserted park near Chanyeol’s apartment complex. Kyungsoo gets up from the bench when he sees Chanyeol walking towards him from a distance. It’s been almost two months since Kyungsoo last saw him. His heart aches knowing how much things have changed during this time, when they did not speak a word to each other. Kyungsoo doesn’t think he’s ever been this nervous before. He stands still under the street lamp as Chanyeol walks closer and closer, until they’re only three steps away from each other, Chanyeol’s face faintly illuminated by the light hanging above them. From the look on Chanyeol’s face, Kyungsoo knows Jongdae has told him everything. He regrets not telling Chanyeol himself as soon as Jongdae left his room that night. Jongdae was right, Chanyeol doesn’t deserve this. “I’m sorry–“ Kyungsoo starts, but Chanyeol is talking over him. “I know you’re going to break up with me, so I’m breaking up with you first.” Kyungsoo’s jaw hangs slightly. He wasn’t expecting that. “You might not think there’s anything to break up over, that we’re not in any sort of– “ Chanyeol catches himself and bites his lip. “But to me, I’ve always considered you– us, as something more. So I don’t care what you don’t think we have. I need closure.” Chanyeol’s eyes wander around the bushes behind Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo doesn’t know if he’s supposed to say something. “I know you like Jongdae,” he finally looks at Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo isn’t sure if he wants him to, because the pain behind Chanyeol’s eyes is too laid bare. “I’ve always known, on some level. But I liked you so much. You had to have known. You must have known what you were doing to me,” Chanyeol wipes at his eyes even though they were completely dry. “Why would you touch me like that, why would you hold me like that?” The anguish in his face is difficult for Kyungsoo to look at. “Why would you let me touch you like that? Did you get pleasure out of it? Knowing that you had me to fall back on whenever Jongdae doesn’t give you what you want? Knowing that I’ll always be waiting for you like some fucking lovesick idiot whenever Jongdae fools around with Sehun? Was that what you thought of every time? Every. Single. Time?” Chanyeol breathes heavily as he stares at Kyungsoo imploringly, as if begging for him to disagree. “God, you weren’t just using me to get closer to Jongdae, were you? You were also using me for comfort whenever you’re jealous of Sehun. I can’t fucking believe you. You make me feel so pathetic.” Chanyeol looks wretched. Kyungsoo wants to deny everything, but when Chanyeol puts it that way, he finds that he can’t deny any of it. Every time Chanyeol invites him to hang out, he thinks about how he can spend more time with Jongdae. Every time he sees Jongdae and Sehun uncomfortably intimate with each other, he always unconsciously moves toward Chanyeol, for company, for solace, for comfort. In a way, he has been using Chanyeol all this time. “I’m so sorry, Chanyeol. I swear I didn’t mean for it to turn out like this. I just thought you’re a really good friend, you’re always there and I –” “Stop it!” Chanyeol yells and Kyungsoo’s mouth clicks shut. “I get that you don’t like me back already. Just, please stop,” he begins to turn away. “It’s over. We’re done here.” This can’t end here. Kyungsoo can’t lose Chanyeol completely just like that. He quickly walks the three steps that separate them. “Yeol,” the nickname that he never uses makes Chanyeol stop short, but he doesn’t turn around. He pulls Chanyeol around by his arm. “Don’t break up with me.” Chanyeol yanks his arm away and takes a couple of steps back. “What? Why are you saying this?” “Because I think I like you too.” Kyungsoo has never thought about it, but he thinks he must do. Why else would he take Chanyeol leaving him more seriously than he does Jongdae? “Don’t lie,” Chanyeol accuses indignantly. “I know you’ve always only liked Jongdae. You think you can just say you like me and I’ll come running back to you? To offer you more comfort because Jongdae is with Sehun and will never like you back?” The mentioning of Jongdae never returning his feelings doesn’t even hurt anymore, not when he’s endured two months of his stony silence and hostility. What hurts is the agony still evident in Chanyeol’s voice. “I’m not lying. This has got nothing to do with Jongdae, not anymore. I want to be with you.” “Don’t! Stop it! You think I’m so easy to fool. Haven’t I already been punished enough for being in love with you?” The despair on Chanyeol’s face makes it look like he’s crying, but his eyes remain bone dry. Chanyeol slowly walks backwards before turning and stalking away. In the chilly late night wind, standing just outside of the street lamp’s halo as he watches Chanyeol’s back fade in the distance, it occurs to Kyungsoo that perhaps Chanyeol does not have any tears left to fall. -   If he thought those two months of social isolation from the closest group of friends he’s ever made was bad, the weeks that follow his meeting with Chanyeol are even worse. Jongdae actively throwing angry looks at him aside, now that it’s finally clear that Chanyeol knows everything and probably hates him drives Kyungsoo crazy. Chanyeol doesn’t come to the music building to wait for Jongdae anymore, he stops going to lunch time concerts, even the ones Jongdae performs at. Kyungsoo doesn’t have them to sit with at lunch breaks anymore, and his weekend schedule continues to be depressingly empty. The worse is when he feels lonely, his eyes still automatically search for that head of chestnut brown hair, his hand still sometimes reaches out to nothing. Whenever this happens, Kyungsoo gets dragged into a cycle of self-loathing, knowing that Chanyeol is no longer beside him because of this exact kind of selfish behaviour. He remembers the feeling of Chanyeol's soft hair under his palm, the warm and heavy weight of his head against his shoulder, the way Chanyeol hugs him like he's the only thing that matters. He was constantly taking from Chanyeol, but he never considered how Chanyeol felt. He always assumed Chanyeol was fine. Knowing himself, he probably overlooked many moments when Chanyeol’s smile wasn’t as wide, or when his eyes carried something else other than the happiness that Kyungsoo always associated with him. Kyungsoo never took the time to look deeper into what Chanyeol did or said, as long as he seemed happy and was making Kyungsoo happy. The more he thinks about it, the more Kyungsoo realises that his crush on Jongdae is really nothing but that, just a crush on a boy who showed him some affection when he was lonely and isolated during his freshman year. He shares a much deeper connection with Chanyeol that he never knew was there until it’s gone. He’s never talked for hours about nothing with Jongdae, or bonded over their shared love for a number of musical genres, never enjoyed each other’s company while creating music together. Not to mention, Chanyeol was the only one that has been there for him at every turn, yet Kyungsoo ignored him in favour of his schoolboy crush on Jongdae, so blinded by it that he eventually hurts the one person that actually matters to him. During class one day, Kyungsoo overhears the group of girls they went to the celebratory dinner with mention that one of them recently went on a date with Chanyeol. Kyungsoo has to consciously suppress the urge to turn around and snarl. This is really happening. One of those girls might actually get to sing her favourite song to Chanyeol’s guitar, listen to his latest composition, and dance in his arms all night. He’s such a fucking idiot. -   Kyungsoo ambushes Chanyeol outside his apartment complex one evening, having had enough of the silent treatment and self-loathing, and decided that he needs to do something about it. Chanyeol stops on his tracks towards the building’s front entrance and freezes. Beside him, Jongdae shots him a glare before grabbing Chanyeol by the arm, pulling him into the building. Miraculously, it is Sehun who stops Jongdae. He gives Kyungsoo a considering look, then pushes Jongdae through the front door, leaving Chanyeol behind. He thought for sure he won’t get a chance to speak to Chanyeol when he appeared around the corner with Sehun and Jongdae in tow. He knows this is his one chance and he’ll have to make the most of it, even if it meant saying things he never thought he would say out loud before meeting Chanyeol. “I like you, Chanyeol. What do I have to do to prove that you’re really the one I like? I’ll do anything to have you back. I’ll never speak to Jongdae again if that’s what you want.” “He’s already not speaking to you,” Chanyeol looks at somewhere past Kyungsoo’s shoulder. Kyungsoo sighs. “Then what do you want from me. I’ll give you anything.” “Does it hurt?” Chanyeol asks. Kyungsoo frowns, not really following, but Chanyeol continues before he can take a guess at what he means. “Does it hurt to know that I don’t actually want anything to do with you? That even though I’m physically here right now, I’m thinking of someone else, would rather be with someone else?” Kyungsoo flinches. It does hurt, but he knows it’s no less than what he deserves. He can only nod. “It hurts more than I could have ever imagined.” “Then why are you still here?” “Because I can’t let you go without having you listen to what I have to say.” To Kyungsoo’s utter relief, Chanyeol crosses his arms and waits. “I knew Jongdae long before I knew you. My crush on him happened long before you ever spoke you first words to me. For the longest time, he was the only one I looked at, so when you first invited me to join you guys to the movies, all I could think of was how I could spend more time with him. I’ve been so conditioned to liking him and finding ways to be closer to him, that I no longer saw things that were happening around me,” Kyungsoo licks his lips and shoves his hands into his pockets. “I’ve never had a group of friends like you, Jongdae and Sehun before. I’ve never been that close or affectionate with anyone before you guys, not in highschool, not in my freshman year. I didn’t really know how very close friend groups worked, but I knew I wanted to be in the one Jongdae was in. So I guess that’s why when you got really close to me, it wasn’t immediately obvious to me that that was something unusual, that I shouldn’t have encouraged that kind of behaviour if I didn’t reciprocate your feelings. I’m not making excuses for the intimacy that led you on. That only partly explains everything I did that hurt you. “Looking back, I can admit that we got close because I didn’t like seeing Jongdae and Sehun together. But you were a comfort that I craved, something that I really wanted, needed even. You gave me so much during those months, and it was really all I had. I didn’t notice it then, but I definitely notice it now. You were the only real thing that made me feel good, made me happy. It doesn’t matter that it was good because I couldn’t have Jongdae at the time, you were what really mattered and I didn’t see it until it was too late,” Kyungsoo takes a deep breath. “Please, Chanyeol. I never meant to hurt you. I was selfish and inconsiderate, and I apologize for that. Knowing that I hurt you hurts more than the thought of you wanting to be with someone else right now,” he deflates a little, remembering what Chanyeol said. “So please, don’t leave me. I’ll give you anything you want.” Chanyeol doesn’t respond for a long time. Kyungsoo stays silent, having nothing left to say, but also dreading his response. Eventually, Chanyeol nods, says “Then give me time,” and walks up the stairs to his apartment complex, disappearing through the metal door. -   Putting in his earbuds, Kyungsoo settles into his eat by the window as he waits for the bus to depart from the college campus. It’s been a long day, most of his lecture hours center on Mondays this semester, and all Kyungsoo wants right now is a hot shower back at the dorm and play on his 3DS until his fingers cramp up. Out of the corner of his eyes, he spots Sehun boarding the bus. He immediately looks away and tries to make himself as small as possible. To his complete surprise, Sehun flops down onto the seat next to him a few moments later, flicks his earbud off and says “Yo.” Shocked that Sehun is talking to him at all, Kyungsoo nods in greeting and stares blankly at the lone earbud in his hand. It's probably incredibly rude to put it back on now when Sehun is sitting right next to him, but sitting here in awkward silence seems even worse. If Sehun is as angry at him as Jongdae is, or as upset over him as Chanyeol is, then this is going to be a very long bus ride. Before Kyungsoo can make a decision however, Sehun heaves a heavy sigh and announces to no one in particular “Everything sucks now, ever since you left.” Surprised by the sudden reveal, Kyungsoo stays silent. Sehun’s expression doesn't belie any anger or sadness, instead there's only a light pout. Kyungsoo doesn't really know what ground he's treading on. “Chanyeol is sad all the time, and Chanyeol being sad is worse than anyone else being sad, because he's the type of friend you're used to always being happy, you know? And when he's sad, it completely throws you off because none of us are used to a sad Chanyeol and we don't know what to do,” he kicks at the empty seat in front of him. “Jongdae however, is not sad, he's still angry about the whole thing.” Sehun pauses as if waiting for a response, so Kyungsoo gives him one. “Does he hate me?” Sehun laughs lightly and turns to look at him. “Jongdae is incapable of hating anyone,” the small curve at the corner of his mouth drops a little and he looks away again. “If there's anyone he does hate, it's himself. He blames himself for all,” he gestures at the space in front of them, “this. And I do too, for contributing to Chanyeol's assumptions about you two, our collective assumptions. You two did seem so close, anyone would make the same assumptions.” Kyungsoo belatedly realises he would rather be anywhere but here right now listening to Sehun calmly describe the emotional tolls his mistake has taken on everyone he's grown to care about. But instead, he only adjusts himself on his seat and stays silent, staring at the back of the seat in front of him. “Chanyeol said you asked him not to breakup with you when he meet up with you last time. Is that true?” Kyungsoo cringes at the thought of Chanyeol having to relay everything that happened in that awful exchange to Jongdae and Sehun. He nods. “Why?” He doesn’t even have to think before he answers “Because I don't want to break up with him.” “So you like him now?” The phrasing of Sehun's question makes Kyungsoo uncomfortable and leaves a sense of familiar guilt in his churning stomach. Kyungsoo nods again. “Since when?” Kyungsoo fidgets, not knowing where this conversation is going. “Somewhere between the two months after I told Jongdae and before Chanyeol broke up with me.” “Oh, that two months of radio silence? How come?” He hasn’t anticipated having to ever explain this to anyone, except maybe Chanyeol if he ever speaks to him again. But at the same time, Kyungsoo’s been stewing in his own guilt and haven’t spoken to a single soul about this. Sehun is the only person who already knows the situation and is willing to talk to him about it, so whatever. “When we stopped hanging out, when they both stopped talking to me, I realized...it was Chanyeol who I missed, more than Jongdae.” Sehun hums and nods to the jostling of the bus. “You have a long way to go before you catch up to how long Chanyeol had been crushing on you.” Kyungsoo decides to let Sehun's use of tense go unchallenged because that way lies madness. “Have you always known? Did he tell you?” “I've always had my suspicion, Chanyeol really isn't someone you would call subtle...unless it’s you we’re talking about and you're blind to anything that's not Jongdae-shaped.” Kyungsoo is beginning to feel like Sehun takes joy out of making him feel miserable. “But I only knew for certain when he lied to Jongdae about giving chocolates to everyone on Valentine’s Day.” “What?” Kyungsoo turns towards him sharply. Sehun gives him a condescending glare and says “You do realize you were the only person he gave chocolates to that day, right?” He rolls his eyes when Kyungsoo shakes his head. “Jongdae is and has always been the only one who subscribes to the 'everyone gets chocolate on Valentine’s Day because it's nice' idea. Chanyeol is nice, but he's not that nice.” Kyungsoo feels the strong urge to turn back time and punch himself in the face. How many more of these hints has he missed? Valentine’s Day was a long time ago. Sehun seems to take pity on him and doesn't speak for the rest of the bus ride back to their dorm. -   Two weeks have passed by when Kyungsoo receives a series of text from Sehun saying that he’s staging an intervention. He says that Kyungsoo either goes to Chanyeol’s flat this Friday night to talk things out or he’ll force him to transfer to a different college. Apparently, he’ll take care of Jongdae, so Kyungsoo better have his world’s best ‘let’s get back together’ speech ready by then. In his very last text, in a distinctly more serious tone, he tells Kyungsoo that Chanyeol has reservations about getting back together with him, and that he should ask him about them himself and fix them.   Chanyeol is clearly surprised when he opens the door on Friday and finds Kyungsoo on the other side. He looks around as if trying to find Jongdae or Sehun for support, but then realises he's completely alone. He flounders a bit and tries to close the door. Kyungsoo anticipated this, so he jams his foot in between the door and the door frame, pushes it all the way open and drags Chanyeol across to the living room. The door swings shut behind them with a bang. He lightly pushes him down onto the couch. Being this close to Chanyeol again reminds him of how much he misses his touch. Realizing his feelings for Chanyeol also makes him want to be close to him in a way that they’ve never been before. He wants to sink his knees onto either side of Chanyeol's thighs, run his hands through his hair and bury his nose in the crook of his neck. Their sheer proximity after being separated for so long is clouding his mind. Instead, he sits on the coffee table opposite the couch and lets his hands grip at the edge of the table instead, his body leaning towards Chanyeol, but not daring to touch. “What are you reservations about getting back with me.” “We were never together,” Chanyeol looks around, as if still trying to find a way out of having to talk to Kyungsoo. “That's not what you said last time.” “It doesn't matter what I said if you didn't think so as well,” Chanyeol bites back, finally focusing his gaze on him. “Can I retrospectively think so?” “What?” Kyungsoo sighs. “Tell me what's stopping you from getting back together with me. I already said last time I'm willing to give you anything. Can you please just either tell me what's stopping you from coming back to me so we can work through this, or tell me to fuck off and never appear in front of you again. You asked for time, but I can't do this anymore. You're constantly on my mind, but we never see each other and we don't talk anymore. We were so close and then we were nothing at all. I miss you so much it's driving me– ” Kyungsoo breaks off and takes a deep breath. “I miss you.” Chanyeol stares, stunned by Kyungsoo’s aggressive confession. After a moment however, he looks away. “I've been seeing someone.” The knot in Kyungsoo’s chest tightens and he wants to find a hole to hide. He wishes he isn't so emotionally stunted that he can’t take a hint when Chanyeol became an increasingly popular topic of conversation among the girls in his class. “Fuck,” and he had just confessed to how much of an emotional wreck he's been over Chanyeol these past months. He should just leave while he's still got some dignity left. “So you want me to fuck off. That's fine,” Kyungsoo makes to leave, but Chanyeol's hand on his thigh stops him. Chanyeol takes his hand back when Kyungsoo doesn’t make any further movements. “I was going to say I've been seeing someone, but you are constantly on my mind too.” Kyungsoo isn't surprised by the flood of hope he feels, but he is surprised by the ferocity in which it came with. “Oh.” Chanyeol looks down at his own hands for a long moment before putting them up against his forehead, elbows resting on his knees. “I want to get back together with you too, so bad. I miss you so much. But every time I think about how you were there with me only because you wanted to be with Jongdae, or it's because you couldn't be with Jongdae, and it hurts too much.” The sadness is back in Chanyeol’s voice and Kyungsoo doesn’t stop himself this time when he reaches out to take one of Chanyeol’s hands in his. “That wasn't the only reason why I was with you all the time. I liked being with you too,” thankfully, Chanyeol doesn’t take his hand away, but instead, lets it rests in Kyungsoo’s grasp. “I know that. Intellectually, I know that. Sehun tells me the same thing, even Jongdae. But I have a hard time making myself truly believe it. This whole time, I wanted you to want me so bad that I willed myself to overlook so many things, deluded myself so much that I don't know what I should believe anymore. I want to believe that you like me. Believe that you don't just want me because you can't have Jongdae. I want to believe that what you think you feel for me is not just a by-product of the comfort you took from me whenever Jongdae is with Sehun, that you're not confusing comfort for something else,” Chanyeol looks up and Kyungsoo can see the hurt in his eyes as clearly as the night Chanyeol accused Kyungsoo of using him. “But I can't. You said it yourself before. You've spent such a long time liking Jongdae, can you honestly say that what you feel for me isn't a by-product of a broken heart looking for comfort? Because I can’t take that, not anymore. “If things had been different, maybe if it had been obvious that you liked Jongdae from the start and became heartbroken when he chose Sehun, I would have happily offered myself as your rebound. I was so in love with you that I would have taken anything you were willing to give me. But after deluding myself into thinking we were in an almost-relationship, and then to find out that I’ve just been a tool this whole time was too much.” Kyungsoo clenches his fist at Chanyeol’s words, squeezing his hand within his hold. “If that is the case, then I’m glad my crush on Jongdae wasn’t obvious, because I wouldn’t have taken you as a rebound anyway.” Chanyeol inhales sharply and tries to slide his hand away, but Kyungsoo holds onto him tighter. “Chanyeol, you are so much more important to me than some quick comfort. Stop degrading yourself, stop thinking you were just a tool for relief. Yes, you did comfort me when I needed it, but you as a person means so much more to me. I am not worth you throwing your dignity away and lowering yourself to a quick fuck for someone. Yeol, no one is worth you doing that for them. I won’t let you.” Chanyeol’s posture relaxes a bit, and Kyungsoo dares to bring his hand up to his lips to press a soft kiss against it. “I know from your perspective, it might seem easy for me to confuse the feeling of comfort I got from you as something more. But from my perspective, there's nothing ambiguous about the way I feel about you. Not now, not after everything. Maybe I used to consider you just as one of Jongdae's friends, and then I considered you my best friend. But these don't confuse me as to what you are to me now.” Kyungsoo wants to look away because it’s embarrassing, but he forces himself to maintain eye contact. “When I think about you, my heart races and I can’t think straight. When I think about how I’ve hurt you or that you might never want to see me again, it hurts a lot. It feels like if I lose everything, it will be fine as long as I have you. The thought of you makes me happy, but it also makes me scared because I might lose you, or that I’ve lost you. Thinking about you makes me angry at myself and I mourn for all the times I spent with you. That doesn’t feel like comfort to me. Comfort is something that’s nice to have, something that I’d like to have, not something I need, not something I don’t think I can live without,” Kyungsoo takes Chanyeol’s hand in both of his and stills himself. “I've never been in love with anyone, but if I have to guess what it feels like, it would be this.” Chanyeol is blushing and Kyungsoo can see a faint smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Please. Please let this be it. Kyungsoo wants to see Chanyeol smile for him once again. He doesn’t really know what else he can do or say to make Chanyeol believe in his feelings for him. “I'll sabotage Jongdae and Sehun’s relationship and then stay with you to prove it if you want.” Finally, finally, Chanyeol breaks into a full smile and he laughs. “No, that's mean.” Relief floods Kyungsoo and he releases a shaky laugh himself. He looks at Chanyeol fondly and can’t imagine how he ever managed to look at that smile every day and not fall in love every time. “So, will you give me another chance?” Chanyeol looks into Kyungsoo’s eyes and very slowly, he nods. Kyungsoo tips his head back and lets out a long sigh. Chanyeol chuckles in front of him and swings his hand together with Kyungsoo’s. He laughs when Kyungsoo gives him an unimpressed look. Kyungsoo softens immediately. He stands up to lean his knees against the edge of the couch and takes Chanyeol’s jaw in his hand before kissing him. Beneath him, Chanyeol sucks in a surprised breath, but quickly grabs Kyungsoo by the back of his neck to pull him in closer. Kyungsoo slowly melts onto Chanyeol and the heat inside him grows when Chanyeol makes a desperate noise from the back of his throat. He is addicted to the soft slide of lips against each other. He can't help but groan when he licks into Chanyeol's mouth, and Chanyeol opens himself up easily, hands pulling him down closer. Chanyeol’s body tips to the right and Kyungsoo slowly falls down onto the couch with him. When they break apart, Chanyeol laughs. Kyungsoo rests his forehead against Chanyeol’s and lightly asks “What?” “Nothing. Just, for all this time I've shied away from kissing you because I was afraid that you would reject me.” Kyungsoo leans away and frowns at him. “I wouldn't have rejected you.” "Liar," Chanyeol purses his lips. “You were in love with Jongdae.” “I was never in love with him. I just said I've never been in love before. If you had told me explicitly how you felt, maybe it wouldn't have taken me so long to figure out that you are the one I'm in love with.” A smile rests snugly on Chanyeol’s lips again and he shakes his head. “I still can't believe you said you're in love with me.” “Aren't you?” “Maybe I'm not anymore,” Chanyeol teases playfully. Kyungsoo stays silent for a while after that. Chanyeol seems to think he’s said the wrong thing and was about to say something when Kyungsoo beats him to it. “Maybe I'm willing to spend a long time to make you fall in love with me again.” “What?” Chanyeol actually giggles. “God, I never knew you had so much cheese in you!” He laughs some more. Kyungsoo smiles down at him and pokes at his sides, making him squirm. Chanyeol pushes his hands against Kyungsoo's chest to make him stop, but Kyungsoo catches both of his wrists and pins them beside his head. “Say you love me.” “Not with that attitude I won't,” Chanyeol tries to suppress his giggles by biting the inside of his lips. Kyungsoo slowly leans down and gently kisses him. “I love you, please say you love me too.” When Kyungsoo leans back, Chanyeol is staring up at him with wide wondering eyes, his mouth slightly parted. But before either of them can say anything however, there’s a loud crash outside in the corridor and the front door opens with a bang. “Chanyeol! I came back to rescue you!” Jongdae burst through the door and stops short when he sees Kyungsoo pinning Chanyeol down on to the couch. Sehun runs into his back two seconds later. His arms immediately come up to fastened securely across Jongdae’s chest and waist to prevent him from surging forward towards them. “Why is that bastard holding Chanyeol down? Is he trying to force himself on Chanyeol because he won't forgive him? Let go of me, Sehun! I'm going to kill him!” Sehun shushes Jongdae soothingly in a way that, if it were anyone else, would be nothing but incredibly condescending, much like most of what Sehun does is. “I accidentally told him, and he ran all the way back here.” Sehun deadpans as he takes in the compromising position Kyungsoo and Chanyeol are in. “And you better have a fucking great excuse for what's happening here.” Chanyeol's laughter rings gently underneath him. Kyungsoo looks down to see him trying to muffle his laugh in his arm, wrist still trapped under Kyungsoo's hand. Jongdae stills and Sehun’s hands drop to his sides. When Chanyeol sits up, Kyungsoo sits back on their tangled legs to accommodate him. “It's fine, Jongdae. Thanks for the concern. I'm touched.” Chanyeol looks back at Kyungsoo with the same warm smile he's seen on Chanyeol since the first day he lent his earbuds to him in the common room, and Kyungsoo thinks oh. Behind him, Sehun groans obnoxiously. “Ugh, finally.” Jongdae isn't as easily swayed. “Do Kyungsoo you better not hurt Chanyeol this time or I swear to god,” he holds up two fingers, points at his own eyes before pointing at Kyungsoo. “I'm watching you.” Sehun pats his back and nods in agreement. “Not too closely though. You don't want Kyungsoo to change his mind again,” he says offhandedly and is greeted with a deathly silence. “Too soon?” He holds up both his hands in surrender. “Fine. Let's all pretend that never happened. I'm sure that will work out great.” Chanyeol pouts dramatically at Sehun, but Kyungsoo can see the lingering insecurities behind his eyes. It hurts to think how long it might take for Chanyeol’s doubt to fully disappear, for him to be completely confident in Kyungsoo’s affections. He tips Chanyeol's chin towards him and makes sure he is looking at him when he says “I meant what I said before.” Chanyeol makes a questioning noise when Kyungsoo pauses to think whether this is something he wants to say with an audience. He takes a deep breath. “I'm willing to spend a long time for you to fall in love with me again. No one will ever change my mind because you are the one I want,” Kyungsoo cups Chanyeol's face in both of his hands. “You are not a substitute for someone else. You are that someone.” The way Chanyeol’s smile slowly spreads across his face as makes Kyungsoo want to kiss him again. Behind them, Sehun starts slow clapping with the deadest deadpan, and Jongdae tosses his jacket at them, engulfing them in darkness. “Just because you made Chanyeol smile again doesn't mean it gives you unfettered access to the cheese board, Jesus Christ,” he stalks towards the kitchen for a much needed drink. Chanyeol's laugh is loud within the confines of the jacket. Kyungsoo's heart jumps when Chanyeol pulls him down onto the couch, jacket sliding off their heads. “I love you too,” Chanyeol replies softly against his lips before kissing him. Kyungsoo relaxes into Chanyeol's embrace and kisses him back. Eventually, he lets out the breath he's been holding for the past three months and feels the knot around his chest slowly loosens.   end YOU'VE REACHED THE END OF THE FIC! Thank you so much for reading! If you'd like to leave a comment but don't have a Dreamwidth account, fret not: anonymous commenting is on. If you want to comment on the LJ mirror, you may do so HERE. Thanks! ♥